Healing does not come by wounding another

If you notice, my blogs are not daily, weekly or even monthly. They are far few and in between because I enjoy writing how God moves in my life and how scripture becomes alive in my heart. Following Jesus is not a check list where I simply read the bible and do it.  I am a sinner and unfortunately think my ways are right rather than God’s most (a lot) of the time.  And so that makes me walk pretty slow….

Can anyone relate?   

I realize I am a work in progress and I am OK with that.  God knows I am a work in progress and He is OK with that as 2 Timothy 3:16-17 (NIV) says: “All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.” 

Teaching & training takes time friends. 

Matthew 5:4 recently became real to me.  When someone hurts us or wrongs us, rather than feel the pain and sorrow and take it to the Lord, we can replay all the wrong acts the person has done to bury the pain.  Its survival right, Or is it???  As I was rehashing bad memories, I could feel the Holy Spirit telling me it was not in line with scripture.  You see, God desires that we be made new through Jesus Christ. Through prayer and reading scripture our lives will begin to match up with who He is….. I however was not matching with loving, forgiving, rejoicing with the truth, not delighting in evil, being kind or patient and not dishonoring others.  Oh no – my thoughts were nothing of the sort.   And so, after fussing for a few (ok, a while) I asked God what would He desire I do.  And I heard Him say – “Pray for them.”

What?  NO!  Really!?!?

As I said, I am growing/maturing in Christ so I knew what was happening.  God was about to refine ME and in order for that to happen, I had to become humble before Him.  There really is nothing sweeter than to be in the presence of God but sometimes our ugly pride gets in the way and we resist.   Thankfully on this day, I was intentional about following (some days are better than others). That night, I invited Jesus into my heart to show me how to pray for the person and soon I was praying over their mind, body and spirit.  I have no way of knowing what happened on the other end, if anything.  But I can tell you it wrecked me in every way!  I could actually feel God’s love for this person as I prayed.  I was beginning the process of forgiveness and realizing this person is no different than I; a sinner in need of God’s grace and mercy.  God began a new work in my heart that actually freed me from bitterness.  Bitterness is that ugly thing that keeps the finger pointed out rather than the arms that extend to show God’s love.  That night began the process of a friendship being restored. It would take some time to see how that night would play out but it soon came. God had to soften my heart to His leading in order that I would hear Him in the days to come. 

When God asks us to forgive it does not mean we pretend things did not happen.  It does not mean we take responsibility for everything and it doesn’t mean we simply forget.  Forgiveness is so that we can be free to see God’s vision and direction to do His will. 

I am so grateful Jesus did not hang on that wooden cross with bitterness in His heart against me and you! What did Jesus do?  He prayed. “Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do” Luke 23:24

Let us too pray for others and allow God to work in us.

XOXO

Amanda

Reflecting Jesus

Recently I had a dear friend call out for a prayer request on how to deal with some grumpy folks she works with on night shift.

Is it just me or has anyone else ever felt like if only people would “act right” and do things the “right way” then we would be able to reflect the love of Jesus to them.  As I was praying with her I told her to invite Jesus to work along side her and give her His eyes to see those before her as He does.

We “know” what the word says about loving others (Luke 6:31, Luke 6:35, Romans 12:9, Romans 13:10) yet we don’t understand why we are unable to extend such love and compassion to ALL people as we are ALL created in God’s image (Gen 1:27).  We try to do it and yet find ourselves grumbling and complaining which then causes guilt, shame and a feeling of failure.  So why are we struggling?

It is simply because we are not spending time with Jesus!

In order to reflect Jesus, to be the salt and light of the earth (Matthew 5:13-16) one must spend quality time with Him.  We can not simply have the head knowledge and think with our own will power we will be able to love on those “more grace needed” types of people. In and of ourselves we are not able to create and extend that type of love.  It only comes from our Father in Heaven (James 1:17).  We all have been affected by the fall of man (Genesis 3) which creates within us a sinful and selfish heart. And if you disagree with me on that one, you have not had children yet! It is our nature to be selfish, self pleasing, keepers of what we own and looking out for #1.  So it is a must that we plug into the one who is not!  And to prove his unselfish love, God sent Jesus to die on the cross for us.  That is crazy!!!!  No, this girl will never extend that type of love from within.  It only comes out after being with Him!  

I was chatting with a friend the other day and she was simply in awe of the amazing changes that have taken place in her man over the last year.  She said he was like a different person….That is a reflection of someone spending time with Jesus.

Jesus promises in Ezekiel 36:26, “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you.  I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.”  Notice who is doing the giving……”I” = Jesus.  It is nothing we can do on our own.

We can know His ways, but if we do not sit alone with Him often and allow Him to renew our minds (Romans 12:2) we will do it from a heart of stone rather than through Him with a heart of flesh.  

We as parents see this all the time with our children.  They watch our every move and soon begin to mimic our words, habits, hand motions…. etc.  This should be the desire of every Christian (mini Christ)…. to reflect our Savior, Jesus Christ!

I encourage you to get away with Jesus often in your day.  Not telling Him what you want, but telling Him HE is enough! Do not wait for your pastor on Sunday or take the left overs from a friend or spouse.  Jesus desires YOU…. Today!

Jeremiah 29:11-15  ^“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.”

Let us all come away with a radiant glow after spending time with Jesus….

Exodus 34:39-35  “When Moses came down from Mount Sinai with the two tablets of the covenant law in his hands, he was not aware that his face was radiant because he had spoken with the Lord. When Aaron and all the Israelites saw Moses, his face was radiant, and they were afraid to come near him. But Moses called to them; so Aaron and all the leaders of the community came back to him, and he spoke to them. Afterward all the Israelites came near him, and he gave them all the commands the Lord had given him on Mount Sinai.

When Moses finished speaking to them, he put a veil over his face.  But whenever he entered the Lord’s presence to speak with him, he removed the veil until he came out. And when he came out and told the Israelites what he had been commanded, they saw that his face was radiant. Then Moses would put the veil back over his face until he went in to speak with the Lord.”

2himigo,

Amanda

Your path is not their path

Looking left and right we will surely miss the calling God has for our lives. It’s like watching a young child ride a bike.  The bike will turn in the direction their little head looks.  We teach them to watch where they are going.  Look the direction in which you want to go or you will crash. Such is life.  We must keep our eye’s looking above seeking Him in all our ways (Proverbs 3:6) or we too will crash, burn out, grow bitterness, become overwhelmed and be envious of what others have.

As Christians, our hearts cry is to serve God, his people and the church.  But we quickly feel less than when we look at those who are “seen” in the church or those with a bigger house, a larger family, homeschooling moms, corporate America moms, and even those that are called to foreign countries to serve.  Yes, we are to witness His amazing plans taking action in others lives but that should inspire us and give us a hunger to find out his plans for our lives. It should not have us sit in shame for what we can not, have not and will not accomplish.  

I think we are terrified of what God might ask us to do.  Reading Jeremiah 29:11, we know God does have a specific plan for our lives but us not knowing it freaks us out. How in the world are we going to lay down our today not knowing what He may ask us in advance.  Well, here are some things He may ask you to do that by you living out “your” plans may not happen.

*Hold the door open for the next person *Smile at the man standing on the side of the road rather than give money *Tell her she is beautiful *Wash the dishes of others at work *Help a co-worker go to lunch on time while taking on their work for them *Tell someone the amazing way you have witnessed God in their life *Forgive that person for the hurt they caused you *Babysit for a couple so they can once again feel the love of their beloved spouse *Call a friend and give encouragement *Pray with a friend *Pray for our president *Clean your home *Sit with your child and only listen to their heart, offer no quick fix *Dance in the rain *Listen to the radio *Change the music you listen to *Hit your knees *Connect someone you know to someone they don’t know *Tell a joke *Laugh *Cry *Take a nap *Let the car out at the intersection *Hold your tongue *Speak up ……….. It’s in the small things that God asks us to be like Christ.  Jesus served those around Him (John 13:1-7), had dinner with sinners (Matthew 9:10), one on one time (John 4) and times with many (Matthew 13:34).  

What is God’s calling for your life?

To follow Jesus will look different for most of us but the end result is the same, to Glorify God.

In the book of Esther we see a Jewish girl who is called to save her people.  And in the book of Ruth we see a widow who remains faithful to her mother-in-law.  Both doing the will of God but both in totally different ways but being lead by the Holy Spirit for the next steps.  Some folks are called to pastor a church, some to sing in the church, some to go on mission in a third world country, others are called to witness at Burger King while scrubbing the floors.  Some who sit in a building making the clothes that we will wear while others are sitting in prison behind bars.  One family may deal with cancer, while another deals with a miscarriage and the other a birth of a new baby. Whatever it is we must stop looking left and right and start looking up asking “How shall I serve you today Lord?”.  “What will you have me to this day?”. Do not look behind in shame for 2 Corinthians 5:17 says “Anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person.  The old life is gone; a new life has begun.”  If you have turned away from God, turn towards Him now.  

Let Him be the lamp for your feet guiding your every step. (Psalm 119:105)

Look up…  not left and right!

XOXO

Amanda

 

Following allows us to Trust

To make someone feel comforted in a time of distress we might say, “God has a plan”, or “All things happen for a reason”.  I too have used those empty sayings one time or another.  But the one that always confused me was “Just Trust God”…  Why am I calling them empty?  Because if you are not totally following Christ with your life these sayings will not matter to you.  They will not help you.  Let me break it down a little:

1. “God has a plan” – YES, he does have a plan (Jeremiah 29:11) but if we are not asking Him every step of the way what to do we will not be following His plan but rather our own.  So this saying is empty because even though HE does have a plan, know the plan and desire to help us in the plan, we are not asking for it, looking for it or following it.

2. “All things happen for a reason” – Yes, God does ordain things as in Romans 8:28, but in reading this you will find it says; “God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.”  We must remember that God gave us free will…. Joshua 24:15 says to choose who you will serve.  If you choose to serve yourself than you will live a self satisfying life where things are going to happen that are NOT God’s best, not according to His plan and the things that happen will not be for good reason.

As I was pondering today over the saying “Just Trust God” it became clear why this too is empty or without purpose for those not seeking God’s will.  First of all, how do we trust something?  We encounter a relationship with someone or something and after time has passed and we witness consistency with it we are then able to trust or know the outcome.  A child is always first hesitant to jump into the water with mom/dad waiting but after a few times they gain trust that the parent will indeed catch them just as they did the time before.  How about driving your car on a busy highway.  We trust the cars to stay in their own lane and follow the speed limit because after doing this day in and day out we have seen consistency with it.  The sun comes up and goes down during the day just as the moon and stars come out at night.  Again, something we have witnessed and trust will take place tomorrow just as it did today.  

To say to someone “Dude, just trust God”, and if that person has not been laying things down before God and witnessing first hand the power of being lead, they will not know what this saying means.  They soon will become frustrated with it and maybe all together turn from the faith.  I myself have witnessed utter frustration when people give me these “simple” answers for a quick fix,  

Trust God with every area in your life.  How do we do that?  We all have many areas that are included with us.  Money, Husband/Wife, Kids, Parents, Job, Home, Friends, Church, Sex, Drugs, Gossip, Lust, Status…. you get the point.  

First we must invite Jesus in those areas.  An example could be, “Jesus, I invite you into my bank account. How would you like me to spend my money?” or “Jesus, I like to gossip.  Clean my thoughts and heart of this sin as it only kills my relationship with the other person rather than bring us closer.” As we lay these things at the feet of Jesus, He will then be able to come in and help clean us up.  That may mean we attend a class on finance, or we slow down and enjoy our kids, or clean up our house to make it a home or put our spouse first and love that no other or go to rehab….whatever it may be, Jesus will lead the way. But we must first lay it down and sometimes over and over lay it down for direction on how to do God’s will and not our own. In Matthew 26:36-46, Jesus went to pray 3 times as He says “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death”.  

Proverbs 31:30 says, “Charm is deceptive, and beauty if fleeting; but a women who fears the Lord is to be praised.”  Why does she fear?  Not that the big ol mean God will come down with fire over her, but if she walks out on her own she will go selfishly and blindly which could make a mess of things and miss the beauty of God in her life.  She Trust’s God’s plan will be better than anything she could have ever done alone.  

“Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it.  But one thing I do, Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead.” Philippians 3:13  

“For I am about to do something new.  See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?  I will make a pathway through the wilderness.  I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.” Isaiah 43:19 NLT

The Lord says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.  I will advise you and watch over you.” Psalm 32:8

Let us trust and see that the Lord is good…

2himigo,

Amanda

Dying To Self

I wrote my testimony at the beginning of my Christian walk as I was to read it to my church at my 2^nd baptism. Why 2 times you ask? Well, the 1^st time I did it because 1) My sister was doing it and I thought it would be cool to be dipped in the same water as her since we came from the same womb and 2) I so desperately wanted to change my life cycle and thought that would make it happen. I went into it with the wrong heart and motive and I came out so empty which lead to more years of confusion, frustration and searching in all the wrong places.

My true heart change would take place many years later on the night of November 20, 2009. After this, I decided that I wanted to have my baptism take place in my church before my loved ones showing my decision to live my life with Christ leading. And so I was again baptized on April 11, 2010.

Here is my testimony:

After living a life of selfish pleasure, I came to realize something BIG was missing. In all my life my heart never felt satisfied. There was this longing for love, not the love of a man, money or possessions, but a deep intimate love. After losing my sister to suicide and separating from my husband, I soon found myself a single mom with broken dreams and a broken heart. I tried to fill my longing and cover my pain with shopping, gossip, judgment and hate but this time it just wasn’t enough. I found myself on the floor of my apartment one night with little hope and a hand full of tears. It was at that moment I cried out to Jesus and asked Him to have his way with my heart and my life. I just couldn’t wake up one more day with the fear and confusion this world has to offer. I don’t know how to explain it, but it was like He came in so gently and restored my dreams, my vision of life and my love for others. Jesus can take broken pieces and make them beautiful. Jesus’ love is unselfish as he serves others. His ways are good and pure at heart. Satin came to kill and destroy but with God, ALL things are possible.

I would then go on to think for a few years that life would now be great. That all people who say they are Christians really are , when I prayed God would say yes and make my plans happen, feel inner joy at all times, trust in Jesus every moment for the rest of my life and never struggle with my sin again.

I don’t think the churches explain what it means to really follow Jesus. We hear too many times to just say a prayer and BAM – you are saved from Hell and on your sweet little way you go. We are not told in detail that following Jesus will require sacrifice on our part. (Matthew 19:21) We will have to lose much to gain more. (Luke 9:24) Romans 12:2 says “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.” That was never explained to me in great detail and so for many years I have struggled in my walk with Christ. How do I tell someone of His amazing love, forgiveness, peace, joy, compassion, and understanding and so much more when each day I struggle just to wake up and face the day?

In order to be a follower of Christ, we must surrender ALL things to Him. That means, we 1^st speak with Jesus, and then act on what He has spoken. Not act, make a mess, wine to a couple of folks and then take the dirty laundry to God to fix. It’s no wonder we keep coming up short. No wonder we are confused on who God really is. It’s just no wonder……..

As I was doing my bible study the other day I was challenged in a huge way. On day 3 in “Not A Fan” By: Kyle Idleman it has you place an empty chair in front of you and sing praise to Jesus. While I felt silly at first, I did it anyways. I closed my eyes and began to sing Amazing Grace. What came next simply broke me. As I was singing praise I could envision myself saying to Jesus, “Oh wait, I have to go make a name for myself at church and to my friends, I will be back later”. “Thanks for dying on the cross for me, but I still have much work to do for you, see ya later”. “Hey Jesus, did you see what I did today for you”? Each time I came He would delight in me just being there and each time I walked away he would simply wait for my return. He was still, gentle, sweet, refreshing, there….. But I was too busy.

And so, I realized I am a “Martha” as in Luke 10:38-42. It is cute to be a busy body in our world today, but when you are trying to surrender your life to Christ, it is an annoyance to say the least!

With some new events recently my life I have reached a place where I could either turn in shame from God for the mistakes I have made or I could believe what is written and allow my daddy in Heaven to embrace me with His love and forgiveness. I chose to fall and receive His love. I invited Him in the dark places of my soul that are hidden from others. The wounds that I carry yet cover with outer garments. I believe 1 John 1:9 “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” So from the time I wrote my testimony to now, I have learned:

~ I am broken, yet beloved.

~ Nothing I will ever do will change how much Jesus Loves me.

~ I am worth dying for.

~ God gives and takes away.

~ When I am weak, then I am strong.

~ Jesus really is all I need…..

~ People will let me down, but God never will.

~ Jesus is not forceful, He waits for an invitation.

~ Life is not always going to be easy, but I am never alone.

~ People can believe in Jesus, but not follow Him.

~ God indeed says NO to prayers just like I say NO to my sweet girl. It’s for our protection.

~ Who I am today is not who I will be tomorrow.

~ God is not finished with me yet.

~ Sin can lose its grip on me.

~ I am covered by the blood of Jesus. (Revelation 1:5)

~ A gentle answer turns away wrath (Proverbs 15:1)

I am thankful for every broken road and blessing that has led me right here this very night. I am looking with anticipation for Jesus to move boldly in my life as I continue to invite Him in.  It is intentional and with a purpose, “to do the will of my Father who sent me”. (Matthew 7:21) 

(For the record, I wanted to delete every past post I have written, but it is pretty cool to watch the transformation take place. Thanks for your support to those who read my blog aka: Heart.  Pray for/with me as Jesus leads this life of mine).

2himigo,

Amanda

Start Again & Keep Going!

#146 – Jasek, Amanda – Time: 00:45:20.920

From my post Start Again to now, I am happy to say the journey has indeed continued.  Since I last wrote, I have incorporated Clean Eating as my new way of eating.  Simply put – I eat things natural.  If I can’t read the ingredients in it, I don’t eat it. Processed food – things made in a plant rather than from a plant is at a min.  I eat chicken, nuts, veggies, dark chocolate & drink water.  Now, this is a learning process and I am not 100% all the time.  I have started cooking meals at home from scratch.  How do you go from not cooking to scratch cooking?  You Google “Clean Eating with 5 ingredients or less” and GO! I also have been involved in a small group and we are studying “The Daniel Plan” by Rick Warren which teaches Faith, Food, Fitness Focus, & Friends.

This process has been in no way an overnight success where I can now tell you I have lost 20 lbs and am well on my way.  It has been stressful when I stand at the stove to create something new to me.  It has been discouraging when the scale has not moved 1 lb and it has been tough when I don’t want to work out but do it anyways.

However what I have learned has been amazing:

1. My body is not my own -1 Corinthians 6:20 “You were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.”

2. I can indeed cook and it takes great!

3. I am strong.

4. I am thinner regardless what the scale says.  I have lost inches rather than weight.

5. Being disciplined is power!!  Having whatever I want when I want it is weak.

6. I am honoring the Lord in a new and different way.

7. God loves being a part of the small details of my life.

8. Teaching my girl the importance of loving your body in a Godly way.

9. Showing self love in a “modest” manner rather than a “sexy” manner. Meaning health is the focus.

10. I am become Godly rather than Gorgeous.

I just completed my 1^st 5K.  My goal was to run the full race but the week prior I came down with bronchitis and laryngitis.  Talk about a kink in my plans.  Up until I arrived at the race I was only going to walk it as I had some friends alongside me and didn’t want to bail out completely.  What a miracle when my body began to feel stronger and I actually completed my run in 45 min!!!  I did walk a few times but what a joy it was to finish and finish well!  The 5K was amazing as I had my family there to cheer me on.  What a delight it was to realize that my daughter was indeed watching her momma as after we had stretched and began the race, she too needed to stretch.  It shows that our kiddo’s are watching what we do not only what we say. The best memory of all was my baby girl greeting me at the finish line screaming “MOMMY”, clapping for me and then……….. Waiting to give me a bouquet of flowers.  I can think of no other perfect ending to an amazing night.

Each day we have to get up and say to ourselves “I CAN DO THIS”!

Philippians 3:14 – “I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.”

Isaiah 55:12 – “So you’ll go out in joy, you’ll be led into a whole and complete life.”

Here are some awesome memories from my 1st 5K – Enjoy!

 

Marney, Me & Leisha – Before the Race.

My biggest cheerleader….. Rascal & Me

Rascal stretching to “get in shape”!

The home stretch – Thank God!

Heading down to the finish line….

What a way to finish -Love her!!

WE DID IT!

Time to party & celebrate our victory!

2HIMIGO,

Amanda

Living Vitiligo

One of my most favorite things in life is sitting with my girl (almost 6yr old going on 30!) chatting about life and such. Last night as we were planning the days ahead, I wanted to ask her if people at school ask about the white patches on her knees, hands and face – also known as Vitiligo. (Vitiligo is a condition in which the pigment is lost from areas of the skin, causing whitish patches, often with no clear cause.)

As always in my parenting journey with this very strong willed child, I quickly threw up a prayer asking God if I should address the issue with her or just leave it alone.  It was then I was reminded of how some think if we just don’t talk about “it”, “it” will simply go away.  Knowing this is simply not true and feeling the go ahead – the discussion began. When I first asked her she said no one speaks of it.  Then pressing just a little deeper, she announced that they ask her “every single day and it makes me so mad”!  Tuff stuff for my baby girl to process and deal with I would say.  And so, taking her close and looking deep in her precious eyes, I told her it was OK that they ask.  It is OK!  We/she will educate them, giving them the information about it and then it is up to them to do with it what they will.

What is not OK is that my girl would shame herself for the condition she has or run in fear of what others think of her while missing out on her opportunity of an abundant life promised by God through Jesus in John 10:10.  She is to teach others how to treat her while standing strong in who she is, fearfully and wonderfully made by God. ~Psalm 139:14.

God made her, loves her and accepts her.

For the first few years we thought her skin was having a reaction to the eczema she had.  But one summer after being at the beach, there were patches that caused some concern.  Then 1yr later they began to spread during the winter and that’s when we saw a dermatologist who diagnosed her.  It was not easy for me as I had to deal with my own vanity issues.  I wanted things to look/be “normal” and her to live a pain free life.  But what is “normal”?  Does anyone live an easy life?  To some being normal is being tall, being a twin, having curly hair, having a sibling, having 1 parent, having 2 parents of the same gender, being home schooled, never attending church.  I mean, where do we get what is normal viewing things going on around us in our crazy world?

And that is what I desire to teach my girl.  I want to teach her God’s ways are what sets the bar for our lives.  We are not here to judge others on skin, hair, size, what they have/don’t have.  We are simply called by God to extend love and give graciously what he has already given us while following His direction each day.

I truly understand this to be so true.  “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.” ~ Proverbs 31:30.  Beauty truly is on the inside.

A journey is ahead but what an amazing journey of learning to love and accept ourselves and others just as we are.  We must embrace God and what HE says about us rather than what the world would have us believe is a battle we must eagerly fight.

Rest in His goodness today……

“Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.”

~Matthew 5:8

“Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.”

~John 7:24

“For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” ~Ephesians 2:10

XOXO

Amanda

A Strong Women – My Momma

As I reflected on Mother’s day and how thankful I am to be in the “mommy club”, I began to think about my mom and how this day must be bitter sweet for her.

A mother she is but a reminder that she has a child who has passed away.
A mother she has but a reminder that her mom has passed away too.

As I pondered on these things, I began to realize how extremely strong my mom is. She is a woman who became a single parent at a very young age. Then married in a not so good marriage and had another amazing child – Me! Life was not easy for her to say the least. Working two jobs to provide for her family meant long hours on her feet and many hours away from her family. A divorce to follow and a re-marriage to my step dad. Through her struggles she worked hard for what was needed and continued moving forward.

Mom has worked hard starting as a waitress to now an outside sales rep for an amazing company. (This girl got to go to Mexico with this company so yes, they are amazing!) She also worked summers at a church camp in the kitchen – work; now that is hard work! Mom has taught me the value of working hard for what you want and putting your best foot forward and never giving up!

Then in what felt like a world wind and all too close to each other, we lost my dad, her mom and Angie, her oldest daughter. At a time when she could have fallen to 1,000 pieces, she remained strong. How, I will never know! Sure, grief overcame her like a mountain falling but she moved one foot in front of the other. She became a Nana shortly after and remained focused on loving out, rather than closing in.

It makes me so proud to say that she continued moving forward and found a hobby – Running. She joined a small group and ran and ran and ran! Not only did that make her outer stronger, it made her inner stronger as well. She has now completed several 5 & 10K’s but also marathons. Just this month she completed her 2nd Blue Ridge ½ Marathon. Go Mom!

A giver she is and not for what she receives in return.

She has been my emotional support at times when I didn’t think I could go on. A financial support when I was young trying to get on my feet. She has encouraged me to be a fighter and stand for what is right. And lucky her, this comes back on her now that I am an adult. HA

She has strength, focus, determination and courage.

Mom –

I am so proud of who you are and all you have done.
Thank you for never giving up!
Thank you for setting the example to pass on.
Thank you for being my forever friend!

XOXO – Amanda

My Step-Dad

At the age of 37 he had no children of his own and after the wedding to my mom, he was now to claim 2 daughters ages 10 and 13.

Where was it written what a step-dad is to do? Are there expectations to his new role? How would he know how to bond and relate to a teenager and almost pre-teen?  With two girls not having an active dad, how was he to come along side us?  Would his rules apply?  What would his rules even be?  

Being the 10 yr old, I never gave it much thought at the time.  He came into our family and my life changed. I accepted this change with only a few struggles in school due to my parents’ divorce.

It’s crazy how you don’t “see” your parents as real people until around your mid 20’s.  And now that I am a step-mom, I have grown to appreciate so many things my step-dad; Steve did for me and continues to do today.

One of my first memories was getting help on homework assignments.

Then the big science fair!  We, or rather HE, spent hours researching and making my project the best it could be.  Steve worked for a truck stop and he had much knowledge in gas…. Etc.  He created this amazing display with a booklet to explain the difference of gas, oils… whatever it was!  Being that I didn’t do the work, I don’t remember – Ha! The final outcome, I got honorable mention on my science fair project.  What a spectacular day when MY name got announced over the entire school!!!  Yes, that was a good day!

Sometimes we think we have to do much and buy much to be special, to be remembered, to be accepted and simply to be loved.  But the truth is the memories we hold dearest are the ones that money cannot buy.

Riding in the back of the baby blue Celica, Steve took a stick to prop open the hatch so my friend and I could ride in style while cruising in the woods with him and mom. He would take me and my friends to rent the most gruesome scary movies while getting so sick he would hit the front porch while we giggled and giggled at him.  He drove me to school each AM as mom had to be at work in the wee early hours as I was just too cool to ride the bus. 

When I was 14 years old, I feel 15 feet off a friend’s balcony.  My entire leg was in a brace for over a month.  Steve took me to school and carried my books in for me to 1^st period each day.  Once the brace was removed I was told I had arthritis in my knees due to the fall and some torn muscle in my leg.  At night, the pain would be so intense I would wake up screaming.  Steve would wake up and get me a heating pad and rub my knees for me as I cried myself back to sleep.

And…….

Many heart breaks, he was there.

Prom, he was there.

Co-signing my 1^st car – he was there.

Graduation, he was there.

First apartment, he was there.

Moving back home 2 times, he was there.

Death of my sister, he was there.

Death of my dad, he was there.

Miscarriage, he was there.

Pregnant clothes shopping, he was there. (Oh what a sight it was)

The birth of my daughter, he was there.

Going thru a marriage and divorce, he was there.

During custody battles in court, he was there.

The day of my 2^nd baptism, he was there. (long story why I did it 2 times)

Giving me away at my 2^nd marriage, he was there. 

Steve was not to come into my life and replace my dad.  My dad was very much alive and able.  My dad did not know how to be my dad and so he chose not to be an active part.  I have accepted that.  Even though I remain a woman with many scars created by my father for his lack thereof, Steve was never expected in my mind to fill what my dad didn’t do.  He was not a replacement or a stand in.  When I think of the pain caused by my “DAD”, Steve does not come to mind.  My father does. 

So what is my Step-Dad to me? 

He is a blessing!  He is a man who was there to support this little girl growing up and into womanhood.  He was there to walk along side me in the things that I was about to learn and support me as I grew into making my own choices. He is a man with little words, but I KNOW without a doubt that at ANY time he will drop everything to be there for me and my family.  No question about it! 

And now that I am a woman it continues.  The love and support is spilled over into my little girl.  From the moment the test showed positive, Steve has been along side in the journey. There is this bond with the two of them that is precious.  He doesn’t have to buy her a thing.  Just sit with her while she plays, or rather bosses him around.  She desires his time. 

I pray that as my parenting & step-parenting journey continues, I too can be remembered for support, that face of comfort, knowledge and then one day extend my love to their children like my step-dad does for me.

Steve, thank you for all you have done for me.  Thank you for stepping up and doing the best you could how with what you knew.  It could not have been easy….  And I am blessed you stuck it out!  I love you! 

2himigo,

Amanda

Invisible Fence

It doesn’t matter where we end up location wise; girlfriends always find something to talk about.  My favorite time is when the small chatter has gone and the “real” stuff comes out.  This is when we are able to truly identify with one another and become transparent.

I listened to a friend explain her fear of travel and how she has NEVER been able to go more than 35 miles from home.  No honeymoon away, no weekend shopping trips, no mission trips, no traveling on a family vacation and not even visiting the birth place of her husband in Puerto Rico.  As I reflected on her situation, I was reminded of how similar yet different this situation plays out in my own life and the lives of others I know.

Have you ever tried to do something or go somewhere new to you and the farther away from home or the place of comfort you get the more fear and anxiety overtakes you until you are so freaked out and over taken you simply return back to what was comfort?

Yeah, me too and more times than I would like to count.

As I stated in my Start Again blog, the time has come for me to partake in another health journey.  And even writing this gives me the jitters because to me, it seems out of this world.  I feel paralyzed by the unknown.  I fear failure and so I want to return to being safe by not trying and not knowing.  My fear comes from thinking that I should already know what to do and the steps to learning will be too hard. And that I will be alone in my journey and thus won’t succeed.

I have created an invisible fence.

Since I am currently standing at my invisible fence looking over watching the people from afar that are free, I want to share some encouraging verses below that I will be reflecting on in my journey. 

I know that in my own strength I cannot succeed in this change. 

How do I know? Because I have tried!

But – God’s word tells us in Romans 12:2 “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

There is one thing I can stand on with 100% confidence. God WILL renew my mind. 

How do I know? Because He has done it over and over again for me and others I know.

 

Proverbs 3:5 ESV

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.”

Jeremiah 17:5-9 ESV

Thus says the Lord: “Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart turns away from the Lord.  He is like a shrub in the desert, and shall not see any good come.  He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness, in an uninhabited salt land. Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is in the Lord.  He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.” The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?”

2 Corinthians 4:16 ESV

“So we do not lose heart. Through our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”

Jeremiah 33:3 ESV

“Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known.”

 

Lord, I pray that you will continue to renew my mind to your perfect and pleasing will.  Teach me how to live a life that brings glory to your name.  You are faithful, you are pure, you are Holy, you are good, and you are present! Lord, may my life be written by your sovereign hand.  Take the invisible fence that I have created and knock it down so that I may be free to run wild for you Jesus!!!  I know I am not alone in this journey, you are here.  I know you will help me because you too desire for all your sweet children to be free.  I know freedom is mine to be had as you died on the cross for me. You are not done with me yet!  I praise you! I thank you in advance for what you are about to do. And for each person who reads this blog, I pray the same over them.  IJNA

2himigo,

Amanda