Co-Parenting – Part 1

Co-Parenting – Two parents living in separate homes raising one child.  How is that even possible?

If you are like me and living this out you know how difficult it can be.  To be apart from your child for any length of time is challenging but when days go by it makes the challenge even harder.   Today, my hope is that I can send some encouragement your way thru my story and what I have learned in this 5yr process.

When my girl was only 8 months old her daddy and I separated.  As in most divorces it was painful, messy and scary.  How do we deal with our emotions while deciding what to do with the house, the items in the house, but most of all…… this sweet precious baby?  We both had so much love for this child so how could we agree to go days without seeing her?  And so, the divorce process began.  My offer was every other weekend visits to daddy’s house.  However, fathers are being seen in a better light which gives them more opportunity to be with their children.  After many lawyer visits, co-parenting counseling and court visits the decision was made: Mommy’s house from Monday PM – Tuesday AM and Daddy’s house from Tuesday PM to Monday AM every other week.

There were so many emotions to deal with and fears to overcome while dealing with everyone around me and their opinion.  To me, this was impossible!  And it would have been impossible if I had done it in my own strength and knowledge of life.  But one sweet night it was just too much….. I sat in my apartment all alone with my sweet girl at her dad’s and cried out to the Lord for help.  I needed a new vision on how to deal with my new life.  I can honestly tell you that in that moment, my life began to change.  Sure, I still had things to deal with but deal with them is exactly what I did and continue to do.

Insecurity was huge for me.  Will she love her dad more than me?  Will she love his family most?  Will she forget me while she is away?  Will his family speak ill of me while I am not around?  What if something bad happens to her and I am not there to protect her? But the best one of them all was, “I’m not really a momma because I don’t have my child full time.” Oh, the fear wrecked my brain.  It was hard to process these feelings with friends and family as they too had the same fears.  And so, I prayed.  I remember  it so clearly, while I was praying over all these emotions I felt this inner strength come over me and it became so clear……. “I am her momma no matter where she is.”  I realized that no matter how many people we encounter in life, there is no replacing mommy and daddy.  Realizing my role is where my confidence as a momma began to blossom.  Yes the insecurities still pop up, but God has been and is so faithful to carry me thru into a new vision and strength to carry on.

A few things I practice are:

1.  Words. NEVER speak ill of daddy.  He is her heart and I want to nurture that relationship as best I can.  There is no competition to be had.  We each carry different roles in her life.  If my words are ill, my heart will be bitter and my girl will feel and see that.  In the end, it will be shame on me.

2. Share.  If it is my week with her but something important is going on that dad wants her to be a part of, I am totally OK with it.  The memories are for her….

3. Stay engaged. Even though I am not in the home, I keep the relationship open with her dad so in the event she is sick and needs mommy I can be there.  This has happened a few times and I am SOOO thankful to be able to care for my girl even when she is at daddy’s house.  We share birthday parties, school events and even lunch day at school.  Somethings we just don’t want to miss out on so we work together so we can enjoy them all.

4. Encourage.  There are only 2 people that are going to love this kid alike…. mom and dad!  Encourage each other of that.  When I got re-married, I (and my husband) reassured dad that he was the #1 man in her life and will always be.  Again, no competition to be had as we each have special rolls in her life.

5. Pray.  When a child is away from the other parent it is special to cover the other parent in prayers.

6. Honesty.  A child is not to be split between parents.  Sometimes their heart hurts not being with the other parent and that is OK.  Allow honesty to flow.  Extend the offer to call or just to talk about the parent while they are away from them.  Most times it is a child not sure how to deal with the emotions or just not wanting to go to bed.

7. Confidence.  Be confident in who you are as the parent which provides security.

8. Structure.  What happens at your house does not sway based on what happens at the other home.  My house has rules and they are known, accepted & followed.

9. Talk.  If there is something that concerns me I chat with her dad about it.  Music, TV shows… etc. There are some things I want to express my concern about.

10. Trust.  Trust that the other parent does have the best interest of the child at heart.  Teeth may not be brushed, clothes may not match and hair may be a ‘lil messy… but the love that is poured into her is what truly matters.

11. Together.  When a new person is brought into her dad’s life as I am re-married, the “mission statement” if you will is, “you marry him you marry me”.  We are two parents, two homes…. one mission.

Each family has its own challenges this I know.  But I encourage you to be the best that you can be!  Pray most, forgive often and embrace each day moment by moment.  And for those times when people ask me where my girl is, I simply reassure them she is with her daddy because she needs both of us.  Most people will react to it how you respond to it.  Be confident and remember no competition is to be had.  We each have special rolls in her life.

“We teach our kids how to interact with the world in the way that we co-parent.  Adversity doesn’t have to breed dysfunction.”  ~R Macheath Brice Jr.