The days that immediately followed my sister’s death would be grueling. As truth set in, I was slowly coming to terms that my sister was indeed gone. My first, of many phone calls, was to Angie’s boyfriend. I remember so vividly his screams that followed hearing the news of her death. I would make many more phone calls in the days to come. I sat in the baby’s nursery, surrounded by boxes and bags from my shower that still needed to be unpacked. I knew the phone calls were most important right now, so I continued. Going through my sister’s cell phone, one by one, I would make that dreaded call to each of her friends. With each call, the butterflies would again find their place with the baby in my womb. Only this time it was not with excitement, but rather dread. Over and over I told them my sister, there dear friend, was no longer with us. You would think after saying it so many times it would get easier, but it never did. A few thought I was joking but when they realized I was not, sobs would follow. Others burst into tears immediately and there were some, that simply thanked me for calling and hung up. It was so contrary to offer support to those who loved her dearly while I myself, was dying inside. I had just lost the person who carried my childhood memories. Sis remembered things I could not and I looked forward to her sharing those memories with my daughter. She was the one I called when a flash from the past person or song came on the radio. I had just lost my other half. Yet, I continued calling until the last person on her phone had been contacted.
What was suppose to be a time of celebration, quickly was over shadowed by grief. I would try to lift my spirits and reflect on the happiness of my baby to come, yet guilt and shame would over take me for even thinking happiness. I decided to focus my full attention on the preparations that go with planning a funeral. Sitting in a cold brown leather chair in a dark funeral home, we discussed which casket would be best. What day the services would be held and what times our family and friends would visit. We chose music that would make the funeral personal to Angie. And after going through countless photo’s, we chose the ones that reflected Angie’s beauty best. We knew these images would remain with us forever. Sitting among family and friends the day of her funeral, hearing one song after another that she loved made the pain that she was no longer here unbearable. I brought my sweaty, shaky hands toward my face and wept uncontrollably during the service. I finally released all the anguish I had been feeling for days. No longer would I be strong, so others could be weak.
In the days and weeks to come, we unpacked boxes and bags so the nursery would be complete. We were now ready for Madalynn Capri to make her grand entrance into the world. One night while sitting in the bed, resting my poor Miss Piggy feet, Madalynn’s dad entered with a suggestion. One that would forever touch my heart. With this, it would keep my sister’s memory alive. He said, “If you want to name our daughter after your sister I would like that.”
On July 21, 2008, the long awaited baby finally arrived. Her name would carry on the memory of my big sis.
Madalynn Angela
2HIMIGO 